It’s been a little while. It’s raining lightly outside, the water slowly melting away the puffy, fun snow that doesn’t grace my life nearly as much as my heart wishes it did. Water is boiling on the stove, the smell of dark ground coffee in the French press, getting ready to have an afternoon cup of coffee. There’s a fire in the fireplace, a log from one of the trees cut down at my dad’s place slowly burning into smoke and light and crackling noises. The sound of my children playing away at screen time, my wife wrapping Christmas presents. It’s idyllic. But it’s been a year. Wow. What a year.
Since I was last here, we adopted amd threw ourselves head first into one of the largest battles with Satan I’ve ever been in. 2019 was a year of ups and downs. 2020 everything came to an apex. Things surfaced that had stayed under the ominous waters for years. And we weathered the inevitable storm. Covid for us was lockdown and isolation, remote work and staying away from the grandparents. It was me trying everything to stay healthy with God. Zoom therapy appointments with my pastor, meditation on scripture, Christian yoga, tons of time in the Word, cbd oil, anti-anxiety medication, basically throwing everything but the kitchen sink at it to get and stay healthy. And during all that, there were some really dark nights in between.
Just pressed the coffee. I brewed it extra strong this time. Perfect for this day. I had multiple surgeries this year. I found myself driving the remote, barren countryside reflecting with God on how to change and how to heal. I found myself at the edge of losing people who meant the world to me. I faced pain and situations that I had been afraid of for years and found out that the roots I had in Christ were more than strong and deep enough to not just weather the storm, but to thrive in it. Through the trauma and pain and stormy nights, I lost a lot of my fears of death and of loss. I realized these things weren’t as bad as I had feared, and the illusions that fear had conjured up faded away and bowed out to a firm foundation in Christ. I finally got the upper hand on anxiety and insecurity and found abundance and joy, the fruits of the Spirit that I had all along under the surface, take over my entire life in ways I had always dreamed of and longed for but I had always managed to sabotage. In fact, I stopped self sabotaging altogether. Adoption got easy. Our hurts were healed. Hearts were drawn together. Relationships were thriving. Life got beautiful, but it took getting really close to the deep abyss to do so. And in it all, Jesus never left me. I’m so thankful for him.
So…it’s been a year. I’m more mature in Christ this December than maybe any December past in my life. I’m a better man in Christ than I used to be. Not perfect, but I’m working on it with Jesus 🙂 it’s getting better every day. And other than that, geez I’ve read a TON and grown theologically and lots of beautiful stuff there. Especially during post-op downtime laying in bed, reading books, oh be still my bookworm heart haha…😄 Lots of great stuff to nerd out on. Maybe in the future. It was worth it, all of this year, to say I’m here with God now. And now it’s almost Christmas. It’s time to rejoice.
How was your 2020?