Insecure

This weekend was incredible. It was absolutely incredible. Friday night we had volunteer appreciation night at the church. I’m really involved in our kids ministry and my wife volunteers in the nursery. We got our food, sat down and started to chat with two other couples at our table. The staff did such a good job decorating for the dinner. It was a black and white party. My wife wore her beautiful black dress and I wore just my black suit and white shirt. We were macked out, looking fly. Haha. And then this woman comes up to me and introduces herself and gives me a card and tells me to meet everyone in the prayer room in 15 minutes.

So I go in to find out we are playing Family Feud in front of the entire church. We have a big church and there’s like 500 people there tonight so it was super fun. Plus they asked us to act out and be a little outrageous on stage (right up my alley). Our ‘family’ won and needless to say, we had a blast. Sunday I got to do a skit on stage with one of the other dads/leaders in kids ministry. I almost puked on a banana while trying to stuff it in my mouth before the clock ran out. Hilarious! Worship in kids min was just incredible, I mean incredible. What’s better than worshiping Jesus with a bunch of kids jumping up and down to Planetshakers’ Dance, right? Especially when your own daughter is one of those kids going crazy for Jesus (that melts my heart)

I come home with the fam and I go lay down for a nap since I let my wife sleep in. And all of a sudden I feel it. I feel the insecurity creep on me. I have literally been high flying with Jesus the whole weekend and all of a sudden, I don’t want to do anything. I want to run. I want to hide. I start thinking I need to back off from everything that I’m doing, I feel that I’m not pleasing God, that I’m selfish, that I’m bad, that I’m a joke, that I’m____. My identity, my imago dei was under attack. I still don’t know why I listened to it, I think because I’ve gone through some ‘microtrauma’ in the past that Satan played upon it. But at a time of victory and joy I was faced with feelings of insecurity. I am insecure sometimes.

To get into the details…I sometimes wonder if I’m “too much?” My social butterfly friends might get this. That maybe what I thought was good and fun and holy to God is actually a joke in the eyes of others. That I don’t offer any real value to the church and that I’m really just loud. That my presence isn’t desired. That I’m not wanted. That maybe I’m honored for pursuing a group of kids that some might shy away from, but that the real feeling under the surface is, “Yeah he’s doing good in his position, but we don’t want fellowship with him.” Kind of like being the kid that is friends with a lot of different cliques in high school, but isn’t actually a member of one. They think he’s cool, just not one of us. And that’s how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if that is true and if so, it’s my fault 😦 Nobody wants to be on the outside, right?

All that to say, I know it’s not true about my identity. I know that’s either my flesh or Satan saying those things. Also, nobody really ever did anything to me. In fact, the opposite. I’ve been embraced and brought into the family. Loved as a brother and encouraged and others do enjoy my company. So really my entire batch of feelings here had nothing to do with reality. It’s entirely based upon my flesh and Satan. Two sources I should never take advice from. I’m an image bearer of God. Sometimes it’s difficult to press into that though when you feel so strongly the other way. But we have to cling to the truth, God’s words about us, even when we feel in the pits. Because honestly, how we feel is frequently not reality.

So…Monday is upon us. And I’ve come to a little better spot with God since then. One where I know my identity is hidden in Christ. A little bit on Monday after an incredible weekend…I didn’t want to start my week. Even though I have a good life at work and have been blessed, I didn’t want to do it. Why? Well life in the family of God at church and my life in my own family is just so good (lol at how reality is juxtaposed against what I struggled with earlier…typical Satan). I want to stay there. I want to stay in the fellowship, the love, the worship of Jesus and the constant feeling of belonging. When I leave that atmosphere, I’m weak (which is when Satan attacked me). We have this crazy concept in America that being strong means you are alone…joke. That’s a just another tactic of Satan. We have to be connected to the Vine, we are the branch. Connection is everything. Our strength comes only through Christ. All that said…we have a lot of broken people out there in our lives that are not in the beautiful places we reside together with Christ. Our goal? Jude 1:23, “save others by snatching them from the fire.” There are a lot of beautiful images of God hidden in the darkness, spat on and discarded. If we don’t leave our beautiful place to go find them, they’ll die out there unless God performs an interventional miracle on his own. No, love compels to take Monday by the horns and go out into the world, into the imperfect and the fallen, to show God’s light and love to bring these people home before it’s too late.

With that said, I hope you all are having a great Monday. How was your weekend? 🙂 Remember you are blessed because you are in him. And even if you don’t have a community here yet in this world, you have a wonderful one in Heaven. You are greatly treasured by our God and Father. Don’t forget it.

Your brother,

Joel