Insecure

This weekend was incredible. It was absolutely incredible. Friday night we had volunteer appreciation night at the church. I’m really involved in our kids ministry and my wife volunteers in the nursery. We got our food, sat down and started to chat with two other couples at our table. The staff did such a good job decorating for the dinner. It was a black and white party. My wife wore her beautiful black dress and I wore just my black suit and white shirt. We were macked out, looking fly. Haha. And then this woman comes up to me and introduces herself and gives me a card and tells me to meet everyone in the prayer room in 15 minutes.

So I go in to find out we are playing Family Feud in front of the entire church. We have a big church and there’s like 500 people there tonight so it was super fun. Plus they asked us to act out and be a little outrageous on stage (right up my alley). Our ‘family’ won and needless to say, we had a blast. Sunday I got to do a skit on stage with one of the other dads/leaders in kids ministry. I almost puked on a banana while trying to stuff it in my mouth before the clock ran out. Hilarious! Worship in kids min was just incredible, I mean incredible. What’s better than worshiping Jesus with a bunch of kids jumping up and down to Planetshakers’ Dance, right? Especially when your own daughter is one of those kids going crazy for Jesus (that melts my heart)

I come home with the fam and I go lay down for a nap since I let my wife sleep in. And all of a sudden I feel it. I feel the insecurity creep on me. I have literally been high flying with Jesus the whole weekend and all of a sudden, I don’t want to do anything. I want to run. I want to hide. I start thinking I need to back off from everything that I’m doing, I feel that I’m not pleasing God, that I’m selfish, that I’m bad, that I’m a joke, that I’m____. My identity, my imago dei was under attack. I still don’t know why I listened to it, I think because I’ve gone through some ‘microtrauma’ in the past that Satan played upon it. But at a time of victory and joy I was faced with feelings of insecurity. I am insecure sometimes.

To get into the details…I sometimes wonder if I’m “too much?” My social butterfly friends might get this. That maybe what I thought was good and fun and holy to God is actually a joke in the eyes of others. That I don’t offer any real value to the church and that I’m really just loud. That my presence isn’t desired. That I’m not wanted. That maybe I’m honored for pursuing a group of kids that some might shy away from, but that the real feeling under the surface is, “Yeah he’s doing good in his position, but we don’t want fellowship with him.” Kind of like being the kid that is friends with a lot of different cliques in high school, but isn’t actually a member of one. They think he’s cool, just not one of us. And that’s how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if that is true and if so, it’s my fault 😦 Nobody wants to be on the outside, right?

All that to say, I know it’s not true about my identity. I know that’s either my flesh or Satan saying those things. Also, nobody really ever did anything to me. In fact, the opposite. I’ve been embraced and brought into the family. Loved as a brother and encouraged and others do enjoy my company. So really my entire batch of feelings here had nothing to do with reality. It’s entirely based upon my flesh and Satan. Two sources I should never take advice from. I’m an image bearer of God. Sometimes it’s difficult to press into that though when you feel so strongly the other way. But we have to cling to the truth, God’s words about us, even when we feel in the pits. Because honestly, how we feel is frequently not reality.

So…Monday is upon us. And I’ve come to a little better spot with God since then. One where I know my identity is hidden in Christ. A little bit on Monday after an incredible weekend…I didn’t want to start my week. Even though I have a good life at work and have been blessed, I didn’t want to do it. Why? Well life in the family of God at church and my life in my own family is just so good (lol at how reality is juxtaposed against what I struggled with earlier…typical Satan). I want to stay there. I want to stay in the fellowship, the love, the worship of Jesus and the constant feeling of belonging. When I leave that atmosphere, I’m weak (which is when Satan attacked me). We have this crazy concept in America that being strong means you are alone…joke. That’s a just another tactic of Satan. We have to be connected to the Vine, we are the branch. Connection is everything. Our strength comes only through Christ. All that said…we have a lot of broken people out there in our lives that are not in the beautiful places we reside together with Christ. Our goal? Jude 1:23, “save others by snatching them from the fire.” There are a lot of beautiful images of God hidden in the darkness, spat on and discarded. If we don’t leave our beautiful place to go find them, they’ll die out there unless God performs an interventional miracle on his own. No, love compels to take Monday by the horns and go out into the world, into the imperfect and the fallen, to show God’s light and love to bring these people home before it’s too late.

With that said, I hope you all are having a great Monday. How was your weekend? 🙂 Remember you are blessed because you are in him. And even if you don’t have a community here yet in this world, you have a wonderful one in Heaven. You are greatly treasured by our God and Father. Don’t forget it.

Your brother,

Joel

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Insecure

  1. Thanks for your honesty. Satan attacks when we let down our guard and that is common for us to do after being on a “high”… He plants thoughts in our heads that has nothing to do with God’s truth about us. I’m glad you’re out of the rut! Another things I really loath is feeling inferior… ugh!… and though I know Satan is planting those thoughts too, they can freak me out.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Satan does do that doesn’t he? Probably because he’s jealous…can’t get on the spiritual high anymore. Hope you are doing well Lene! How’s your week going? Sorry for the slow response on here…it’s one of those weeks!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He he – yep, it’s one of those weeks!! Definitely need to order more coffee soon… Satan just comes at us when we are most vulnerable and – well, humans are most vulnerable when we are rolling on a high and think we can conquer the world without Jesus – Yeiks!
        How’s your week turning out?
        We have a meeting tomorrow with the psychiatrist. Hoping he has something good to say… I’m learning about cutting/self-harm now and oh dear, the book I got and skimmed through, cuts parents down in slices! Not sure it’s a healthy book for me to read to be honest. I’m also talking to God about changing school… I know, I know… but I’m just not sure this is the best place for her. Anyway, all in His timing, right!?!
        Love on you!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My week is coming along good. I’m getting a lot of work done for the Kingdom this week at church, kids church, a couple people I’m ministering too, a couple other places. It’s going good.

        Oh friend, that sounds intense. I’ll be praying for extra covering of his armor and strength during this time. Amen, all in his timing.

        Like

      3. Aw crikey, I never responded to that comment did I? I’m getting kinda lame at this blogging thing lol!

        It is: “Elohim laheetqahrayv”

        Or in Hebrew,
        אֱלוֹהִים לְהִתְקַרֵב

        Like

      4. You are doing great at “this blogging thing” – we can’t expect each other to be on call 24/7 😉 No worries, friend!

        It looks wonderful.. Elohim laheetqahrayv… how on earth is that pronounced???

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Well – It’s finished… but then I got the idea of adding some Hebrew text on 😉 He he… With that part, I’m still at square one. I’ll need to practice writing it before I mess with the painting itself 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have usually found that after a spiritual “high,” like being in intense fellowship and praise, or when God has spoken clearly to me about something like my identity in Him or His plan for me, is when Satan likes to attack because he hates those things and doesn’t want me to believe them. It’s so hard to wrestle with those feelings sometimes!
    I’m glad you had such an awesome weekend! I lost my job due to my chronic illnesses last week, so my emotions are still reeling from that and Satan is trying his hardest to make me feel worthless and useless. Sometimes I can’t help but give in and cry. 😞😢

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no!! Seriously?! You lost your job because of your illness? Is there anything you can do about that, as far as legalities go? That’s wrong. I’m sorry!!

      That is the exact thing Lene and I were talking about on here. Satan does attack hard after a high. I think he’s jealous. He can’t have the spiritual high, the joy and intimacy that we do with Christ. And he hates seeing us happy with God.

      Like

      1. Yeah, unfortunately it was all legal. Interestingly, the Lord had been preparing me for a whole week before hand by doing what I call “dropping clues” – repeating multiple verses over and over again to show me a pattern. From this pattern, I wrote in my journal on the 14th that I discerned that I would not be returning to my job and it broke my heart. I lost my job on the 22nd. 😳

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aw, I’m so sorry. I remember God actually prepping me a little before I was laid off (twice actually) last year. So it wasn’t a total surprise. Still though, it hurt. Are you ok financially? Do you have rainy day fund setup? And how is the job search going? I’ve been there myself a lot the past year, and it is NO fun at all.

        Like

      3. Thanks, Joel. We’re struggling financially. I was on medical leave for the past 8 months only getting 60% of my salary, and now our income has been cut literally in half. Most of our money last year was spent on a new roof and an out-of-pocket surgery for me.
        I’m not currently looking for a job, as I am too unwell to work. I’m not sure whether I’ll ever work again. My dream for a long time has been to be a stay at home mom (although we’ve been struggling with infertility for three years) so maybe the Lord is preparing me for that. I hope so.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh no, that’s brutal. Did they give you a severance or anything? I’m sorry, I’ll keep you in my prayers. Losing a job is brutal. Well, hey, maybe that’s where God is taking you, to be a stay at home mom.

        Like

      5. Unfortunately no. It seems my coworkers didn’t want to work any more overtime so chose to get rid of me (the reason for the overtime) instead. Thank you for your prayers, Joel. Today was a rough emotional day for some reason.

        Like

  3. This is my test. Oddly enough, I commented on this the other day, but I don’t see it here! Funky. Anyway, I am sorry you went through that, but I think it’s telling that I have recently been through something similar, and so have some of my friends. I have been sharing about it because I know one of the enemy’s nastiest tactics is to convince us that we are alone in that sort of thing…

    Like

  4. I could have written this. I feel this way often, so I get it!! I am sorry you have to experience that, because when you are in it…well, it just no fun at all to be in the pit of those feelings.

    Also, I got my copy of Beginning Biblical Hebrew. Writing in Hebrew, for me, has been difficult. I am terrible at. It is the same as reading it. I have to rely on phonetic Hebrew (which I am great with). Hopefully this book helps out!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey thanks so much for that. It is no fun. I’m sorry you have been there too!

      You did?! That’s awesome! That’s funny you say that because I mentioned that book to another dad at church last week and he got a copy too. You’ll get better at writing!! Trust me, just takes practice! You’ll get it! It’s a good book too because it doubles as a workbook. Hope you enjoy it!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s