Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
First, I just want to say I’m sorry for not posting more in the past two weeks. I am really swamped, plus we are really close to adopting and the spiritual warfare has really been ramping up. Also, my last post was just a fictional story 😉 (In hindsight, I probably should have put that somewhere in the story itself, my bad!)
A couple thoughts I wanted to share. I feel like my soul got hit by a bus the past few days. My wife and I were all excited to take a weekend trip tomorrow and leave our big kids with the grandparents, and then the babysitters canceled. I went to my ear, nose and throat doctor and got a new nose spray (my allergies are out of control), only to pay out the $30 bucks, get home, open it up and realize it’s the exact stuff I’ve been using the past year on and off and already have in my medicine cabinet. He also thinks I might have either a small benign tumor in my parotid gland or an enlarged lymph node, but isn’t concerned and just wants to watch it. I have been basically a borderline hypochondiac in the past and I. can’t. stop. thinking. about. it. Or reading about it on Google. Or even watching videos about people who had them removed. Plus, my blood pressure (which was perfect last week) was through the roof at the doctor’s office. I want to be spending more time with my kids after work. I never get time to workout, I don’t even get time to do my Hebrew or Greek. I feel like my health is running for the toilet and all the other stuff I’ve built up in Christ is just getting depreciated. I feel weak. We are weeks away from adopting and it’s like Satan has just opened the windows and let a host of bats into our house and lives to crap all over our furniture and spread filth and disease. And it’s 11:01pm, I have a 6:30am Greek class and work after that. I’ve been up processing and I’m struggling. And I’m about to do the dishes, we had meatballs (super yummy), the pan smells like fart.
I guess it’s not that bad. But I wrestle with questions about myself sometime. Especially when the lights dim and it gets a little spooky spiritually around me. Do you ever get the feeling that you aren’t doing it right? I remember having a great conversation with my regular physician, a really strong believer, talking about how life with God is a lot like going through school. Each year we graduate to another level which means even harder tests than before. Sometimes, like the last day or two, I have been scared that I have messed up and that my delusions and messed up-ness have resulted in chaos. I know better, but I don’t feel it. Oh, how I long sometimes just to hear my Father’s voice (I’m tearing up writing this) in a dream and just have him hug me and say I am with you, I love you, I will never, ever leave you. You can do all things through my Son. I love you.
Why do I crave that reassurance? Why?
I want it.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
This, his Word, is enough. It is. But I think there are times when I would love to have that extra little bit. You know what I mean? I want the vision. I want the dream. I want the angel to appear to me. I’ve been a believer for 15 years, doesn’t that count at all? Can’t I get a little something God? Just a peek at you or a grab of your hand so that I feel you in the dark? I know the answer here. I know it. I know what I would say to someone who said those words to me! I’d say nope, his Word is enough, he just wants you to trust him. But still…
I love him. I desire him. I want him more than anything this world has to offer.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
Growing up in Christ can be difficult. We have to do it. We are doing the most monumental task, become like Christ. It’s a lot! I’m not even close here on this one. But I’m moving forward, taking it one day at a time as Jesus told us to.
I hope you all are having a wonderful week 🙂 Yay Friday! Let me know in the comments how you are and if there’s anything I can agree with you in prayer over! I especially hope you are deeply blessed by the joy of being in Jesus’ presence in your soul and heart. God bless!