The Space Between Heroes

Oh I love, love, love being a father, I love it. But there are some difficult points right after birth that take a toll on a marriage. It’s the lack of sleep. It’s the three kids all on different sleep schedules. One who goes to bed at 8pm, another who goes to sleep at 9pm and another who goes to sleep at darn near 11pm. My wife is one incredible, amazing woman. I could never accomplish or do what she does unless God did a radical transformation of me. I look up to her in so many ways. Nursing, homeschool, and staying at home with the kiddos takes a toll on her and she’s out by 9pm every night, at the latest. And it’s hard. I miss her. Gosh, I miss her. I just push and push deeper into God during this season, as the cold winds deepen out of the north and it whites out outside, and I just hate the space between.

I’m not sure how many of you work and have kids, but if you do, then you know what I mean when I say, I feel like I have one good shot every day to lavish my love on my family. A short window when I am home in the evenings. And it’s just not enough. My heart just wants to pour out love and time with my beautiful wife and my children and it sucks, this world, this system, this whole making money thing. I’ll do it, every single day until I get called home, but I just want to see them. To see the faces of the ones that are most precious to my heart, next to Jesus of course.

Actually, that’s like the thing that makes this easier. Or relieves the heartache. Jesus and being away from him. I know he’s here in our hearts in his Spirit, but I can’t wait to be in his embrace, actually. And it’s that space between us and that hurts. It’s been so long since I met him and I just want to be in his arms for real with all of my family present. I guess that’s one of the most beautiful things about the rapture…we’re all together finally. Everyone who matters most to my heart is with me right then, most of all Jesus. That’s heaven. That’s paradise. It’s Jesus. If I can do 15 years this intimate with Jesus, but with space between, I can do a couple months now.

You know what’s crazy? We’re so sold out to the Kingdom, to Jesus’ heart, to raising Godly children, that we are actually adopting soon. It’s been a desire of our hearts for years and years and we are going to probably get the opportunity to do so here in the next several months. It’s what we do, we love kids, we love raising them, we willingly take on the sacrifices, and we do it. And we’re going to adopt an older child so it won’t be the same as having another newborn. And we’re ready to do it. We are. I just freaking miss my girl, my wife. She’s got my heart in a way that no one else in the world ever will. Only Jesus has it more. I remember feeling this way with both of our older kiddos when we were in this phase after birth and it was just as bad, probably worse because I was more immature spiritually back then. It’s uncomfortable now, to say the least.

I keep coming back to that verse, Malachi 2:15,

Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.

I feel like a breeder sometimes lol! That’s awful, I’m kidding. Seriously kidding 😉

I was working out earlier and listening to some secular playlist on Spotify. There’s this song, I guess it was recently popular, called Don’t let me down by the chainsmokers. I had only heard it once before (lol if this is an insanely popular song and I’ve been living on Mars…I’ll pull the dad card on that one), but the lyrics really hit me. There’s this girl who keeps singing, “I need you, I need you, I need you right now. Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me down.” I started processing that. Why do words like that sound so appealing, apart from just base sexual connotations? Seriously, what’s behind that? I think coming from a man’s point of view, there’s something about us that wants to be the hero. We want to be needed. We want to be crucial, critical to someone special. We want to be someone’s hero. We do. It’s a deep desire woven into the masculine heart. I see it in my son all the time. Like when he goes and puts on his Iron Man mask and plays superhero around the house and pretending I’m the bad guy which ends in a tickle fight. It’s part of how we as men image the heart of God. God likes being the Hero, he is the Hero of our story. It’s during these seasons of life as a dad, as a husband, where I just don’t get the opportunity to hear words like that from the one who I am crazy about. And it’s difficult because I have to completely derive that from God. And honestly, as amazing as my wife is (and she is), she’s not God to me .She can’t do what Jesus does for me. That deep down validation, of being a hero, I can really only get from Jesus. A spouse can’t put those validations on the other spouse, a finite person can never fulfill desires that only an infinite God can fill.

Anyways, I guess as you can read, I’m in a season of growth. It’s probably going to get messy on my side, as God comes in and does his work on my heart while I am shakily his hands and feet as a father and as a husband and as a man of God to the people around me, and still do the gazillion other things I have daily.

I hope you all are having a wonderful week! Yay it’s Wednesday and only a couple more days till the weekend!!! Wooo!!! God bless you all SO SO MUCH!! You’re precious to him, seriously thanks for spending a few minutes listening to a fellow brother in Christ talk it out over a couple posts. God bless 🙂

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19 thoughts on “The Space Between Heroes

  1. My heart goes out to you – you know that ❤ Remember that in Him is strength and the more you admit your weakness, the more He will pour strength into you. Praying for you and your family.
    Congratulations on the coming adoption. May the Lord bless it in His time and His will.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words 🙂 I really can be weak sometimes, but I know what you mean, his strength just comes cascading in when we go to him broken, but honest. I need him, bad. Thank you on the adoption congrats! I’m excited, we both are. I’m ready to bring a child who is without parents into our family to love and care for as our own 🙂

      Hope you have a great Friday!!

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      1. Perhaps a silly question, but have you told Jesus how badly you need Him? 🙂
        Adopting is great and I’m excited for you guys! – I love that you want to do this and the Lord will bring the right child to you <3. I can't wait to see some pictures and hear about your experiences with this. Love in Jesus.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you!! It’s not silly at all. I’ve asked others the same question…every single day. Literally, every day for the last 15 years. And every day he has filled me, satisfied me. But, he made us to fill and love others too, so that’s where I’ve been taking a hit. But he fills that part as well! 🙂 but good question! Honest and wise inquiry friend 🙂

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      3. I think I get it now. It sounds like you feel a bit “guilty” that you can’t love and fill your cute wife and kids, because you yourself don’t feel Jesus is filling you? A season of life where droughts are inevitable, perhaps? I’m sorry friend… I wish I could say something really clever to help you out, but really I can’t! If it is indeed a bit of guilt, then rid yourself of it and feel His Spirit move in you again. If not, perhaps this is a refinement of faith in a time where you need to trust Him with your family?

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      4. Actually the other way around…so there’s the eternal need we have inside that, if we have Jesus, he fills. And then we also have needs to fill others, like family. Oh I’m totally filled by Jesus, no issues there. It’s just me having a busy schedule, I don’t get to pour out all of my love on my family.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s good advice. And you’re right, where going through a season of rebellion with our four year old right now…it’s not scraping away our sleep, but it is making the waking hours difficult. And then, each season has wonderful joys 🙂 But in all seasons, let’s fight the good fight! Amen!

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  2. I had all my kids close together … I would usually be wearing one in a sling, one banging on pots and pans and one on each leg while doing dishes 😂I walked around with a kid on each leg, and the youngest wouldnt even let me shower alone. He would lay outside the bathroom door, put his hand under the door and scream. I finally got to where I scrubbed the bathroom prior to a shower, toss a quilt on the floor, and bring him into play while showering … it gets crazy hectic sometimes!! It doesnt last. This is a season and it wont last. Prayers!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That sounds EXACTLY like my wife with our kids….one kid constantly attached to her, at all times. It does get crazy hectic sometimes. Thank you for the encouragement. She’s the same way, always wearing one, the others banging on pots and pans haha! Thank you for your prayers friend. God bless you!! 🙂

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    2. I had all mine close together, too! I distinctly recall abandoning a cart of groceries so I could return to the car carrying my 1-year-old on one hip and my tantrum-throwing 3-year-old by the seat of his pants (literally), all with my very pregnant belly leading the way. I never did go back to that store… 😉 It is hilarious now, but wasn’t so funny at the time. Now that they are (almost) all teens, I keep telling myself that some of these stories will be hilarious one day, too. 😉

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      1. They will be, mine are … One of my sons was one of those toddlers who was a Harry Houdini, literally could take anything apart and get out of it. I had just been home from the hospital, giving birth to the last son … It was 6 am and I was up nursing the baby; I hear this knock on the door and cop was standing there with my half naked son, who had climbed a chair, undid the dead bolt and chain lock, plus the little lock in the handle, escaped to follow his dad to work. The cop wasn’t very nice but I understand … it looked bad but I was standing in the door with my baby latched on, I felt half naked and couldn’t believe my son had gotten out of the house. I was mortified and said thank you, and closed the door … I am relieved to this day that my escapee didn’t get hit by a car!

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      2. No doubt!! My goodness. I always remember my moments like that when I listen to young moms, or especially when I hear others talk negatively about so-and-so’s parenting ability. There is actual, clear abuse, but there are so many situations like the one you described where the mom just can’t physically be in all places at once. My son was similar…I once had to call poison control twice in a week. I felt pretty bad about it and confessed it to my pediatrician, and she looked at me and said, “Oh honey! I once had to call them twice in one DAY!” Lol!

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    1. Hey amen to that! That’s about how old our youngest are spaced out between, we have a almost 7 year old, a 4 year old and a 4 month old. oh it is a lot, but I know exactly what you mean!! I need God bad! In ways I never needed him before!!

      Nice to meet you!! God bless!! 🙂

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